I confess... yesterday's soothing did not go as planned. In fact, it was like the minute I typed it up everything went awry. The kids fought, the hubbie was moody, and I felt sullen and grouchy. The laundry is still waiting for me and the book... well, I think I read about 3 sentences and then gave up. It's apparently not a book I can read right now.
The question is, do I put aside the book and pick a new one, so I can keep motivated and with my commitments or do I slog through it just on principle alone? I think, I will pick a new book (it's not like I don't have about 25 different books waiting in the wings for me to read-- and that's just the "Catholic Stash"). I'm not admitting defeat with this book, but recognizing that right now, there is too much going on for me to be able to sit and digest the information and apply it. I may still read a few pages, but I'm going to refocus my efforts on something that sits better with my schedule.
Speaking of schedule... I've come to recognize my own schedule as a challenge to my motivation. You see, there's too much on it and baseball season is right around the corner. Two kids playing at two different levels on opposite days means baseball daily and sometimes dance as well. It's time to get situated for the "long haul" that's ahead. I'll be giving up some things once spring hits on my own schedule in order to be more available to my family and cut down on stress.
Lucky for me, some of my stuff will be "wrapping up" in the near future. I've made a big decision to give up one activity for good. I've figured out that activity is not a good fit for me. I find myself anxious before and afterwards. Sometimes I feel hurt by the experience as well, which is a sure sign it's not a good fit. During a recent Bible Study group, I shared something with the group and saw my prayers for God to show me what direction to be going in my Faith answered. Unfortunately, due to the "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" policy on personal sharing in Bible Study, I can't reveal any more details. I did see God affirming my decision to leave this commitment when my time is up and to move forward to something else.
The message here is... when you lack motivation and direction, prayer actually does work. I will say it doesn't work quickly, or rather in our desired time frame, but more slowly in God's timing. I've been praying the same prayer for guidance every Sunday for at least a year and a half. I can see now how clearly things lined up but at the time, I felt I was fumbling. In reality it was like walking on a tiny path through high grass. I could see directly in front of me and directly behind me, but not around me. Now I feel as though I've walked into a clearing on a small hill. I can see the path I've been along and thank goodness for the high grass to shield me from shying away. Now, I can see a clearer path before me just past some more high grass. I'm sure there's more fumbling along tiny paths ahead of me, but now I'm very willing to trust that this path is God's path and not mine.
While I feel a little discouraged right now with having to finish out things that my heart knows I'm done with-- I made a commitment to others that I need to honor. I also am seeing that there is something greater before me. Knowing there is greatness before me motivates me and make what I'm experiencing now much easier to go through.
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